Need To Know
by imjustwriting
Summary: It has only been three days since he last touched her, but it is three days too long and he needs to feel her skin.


This has been my brain child since the last episode, 2x16, What Puts You On That Ledge. I'm not sure where I had originally intended to go with this, but I'm pretty happy with the outcome of it. The last episode was such a doozy for us Linstead fans that I guess I just needed something from it. This is the result. This is most definitely a one-shot, but I hope you like regardless. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

* * *

It's cold as ice when Erin Lindsay finally leaves Molly's pub. She's been sat at the bar for nearly two hours. Her plan was to drink to forget, but Gabby Dawson had only provided her with a shot of whiskey and two beers. The bar tending-firefighter had cut the detective off about an hour before and now, Erin was as sober as ever.

It's fine though. She's got a bottle of top shelf vodka in her freezer at home, along with a six pack in her fridge. Tomorrow is Saturday and she doesn't plan on leaving her bed until at least noon.

The bitter wind slaps her face pink and Erin pulls her jacket tight around her middle before stuffing her hands into side pockets. She stands on the sidewalk, takes in a deep breath, and then blows it out through pursed lips. She walks to her car, parked halfway down the block, and revs up the heat as soon as she turns the ignition key.

She sits in silence mulling over the last two hours spent at the bar with Gabby, and then her mind wanders to her partner. What's he doing? Is he with someone or home alone, and upset as she is? Was he trying to drink to forget too?

Cooling things between them was the last thing Erin had wanted, the absolute furthest thing from her mind, but she wasn't stupid. Neither was Jay and neither was Voight. She and Jay had caught the hostility all day from him. His snide remarks that didn't go unnoticed, by them, or anyone else on the team for that matter.

She knew the outcome of her and Jay being together would bring some unwanted attention. She knew that Hank was against it. She wanted to respect him, try to stay loyal, but a part of Erin had just become so fed up with the rules. She felt like she was still a teenager sometimes and she couldn't stand it.

This was her life. Why couldn't Hank just let her live it the way she wanted to?

Erin released a deep sigh and then settles back against the seat before she pulls her cell phone out of her pocket. She unlocks it, finds who she needs and dials.

The line rings three times before the other end picks up, and Erin speaks before she loses her nerve. "Can I stop by?"

She gets an answer and ends the call before dropping her phone into the center console. She yanks on the seatbelt just over her left shoulder and clicks it into place.

Before she can even process her actions or think twice, Erin has arrived at her destination. She parks her car on the side of the street and kills the engine. She knows he is waiting and he knows she is coming, but she needs to take one more moment for herself.

Erin takes a deep breath and then releases the seatbelt before she steps out of the car. Her hands are back inside the warmth of her pockets as she takes small, quick steps down the snowy sidewalk. When she finally reaches his front door he opens it before she can even think to knock or use her key.

Erin attempts a smile, but it doesn't come. She tries to sound calm, but her voice shakes even with one word. "Hey."

"Hey, kid. It's late. What's going on?"

It is late. Almost midnight, but she's gotta do this now while she still has the courage to do so.

He invites her inside and she's standing with her back facing the door, and Hank Voight is in front of her. He takes in her roaming eyes, notices how they don't quite meet his all the way. He notes the way she keeps her bottom lip tucked away between her teeth as if she is too scared to speak.

"Erin?"

She looks up at him with eyes that remind him of when she was a scared, on-edge teenager.

"What's going on?"

She swallows hard and takes a quick breath.

"You know how much you mean to me right? You know how grateful I am for everything you've done for me?"

Hank nods his head up and down, slow, confused.

"You're like a daughter to me, Erin. I would do anything for you, you know that. You need my help? Is something wrong?"

She shakes her head.

"I just – I know why you do what you do, Hank. Why you're so protective and why you have certain rules and you know I respect them. I respect you, but…"

Hank steps forward then, grabs her shoulders and looks her in the eyes.

"Erin, stop with the run around and just tell me what's on your mind, will ya?"

She takes another deep breath. Heart beats fast.

It's now or never, she thinks.

"I need to know what I have to do to make you okay with the idea of me being with Jay. You've been throwing shade and dishing out comments all day and I know you know. Somehow you always know everything."

Erin pauses for a few seconds and looks down. She can feel tears in her eyes. She takes a quick breath and then looks back up at her pseudo-father.

"I thought I could sneak around with him because of how much he means to me, but I can't do this with him, the right way, if we're lying about it to everyone. So, please, tell me what I have to do so you'll let me be with him."

Erin watches Hank with hope in her eyes and waits for him to speak. She's proud of herself. She did it. She was up front with him about what was going on and what she wanted.

It was all out there now. No going back.

A few minutes pass until Erin hears a deep sigh leave Hank's mouth. Maybe it's an overwhelmed breath, or an irritated one. It all seems the same to her right now. Hank runs a hand over his face and looks at her with eyes she is sure she has never seen before.

Her heart is beating fast and then it comes to a near stop in her chest. It clicks for her then as he remains silent, and it worries her because she knows at that exact moment her words have been said in vain. The unrecognizable look on Hank's face tells her there is nothing she can do. There is no more she can say. He doesn't even have to speak, Erin just knows.

Hank moves towards her with slow steps. He releases another deep sigh as he grips her shoulders and squeezes. "Erin – "

Erin shakes her head at him. She doesn't want to hear his words or some sort of empty apology. She feels stupid for thinking if she voiced her opinion, tried to tell him how much she wanted this, that he would actually change his mind.

She should have known better because there is usually no changing Hank Voight's mind.

Hank's hands are still on her shoulders and Erin is holding the tears in. She puts a smile on her face and shrugs out of his grasp before bringing her eyes back to his. She feels like such a fool.

"It's fine. I get it. I was stupid to say anything. I should've just kept my mouth shut. "

She takes a step back towards the front door. She hears his voice again.

"Now wait a minute – "

She's shaking her head again. She doesn't want to do this anymore. How could she have thought that she actually had a chance? A chance at love, at happiness. It just wasn't attainable. Not for someone like her anyway.

Erin forces a small laugh with her fake smile. She's brushing it off like it isn't a big deal. "No, it's okay. Just forget I said anything, okay? Please? It probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. I'll see you on Monday."

Erin keeps her tears at bay and the façade on her face. She walks out the front door with hurried steps, ignoring Hank calling her name. He's not wearing shoes or a jacket so she's hopeful he won't follow after her. He doesn't, and Erin feels proud again because she doesn't shed a single tear until she is alone in her car and driving away.

* * *

It is one in the morning on Saturday and Jay Halstead wants to kill whoever is banging on his door. He had finally managed to get to sleep a little before midnight after drinking almost an entire six pack of brew alone.

The knocking is relentless as well as the headache Jay feels creeping in between his eyes. He stands from his bed and pulls on a pair of sweat pants before making his way through his small apartment and to the door. Whoever is on the other side is just going to have to deal with seeing him shirtless.

When Jay pulls the door open though his eyes go wide and his mouth drops open.

Maybe he should have put a shirt on.

"If you're here to hit me then you should know Erin and I ended things. We're nothing more than partners."

Hank Voight gives a slight wave of his hand, telling Jay to stop talking.

"It's late, Halstead. I'd rather not be here at this hour seeing you half naked, but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. I wanted to take care of this now."

Jay crinkles his eyebrows and pulls the door open further. "Look, seriously, if you're gonna hit me I'd rather you do it here in the doorway. Getting blood out of my carpet is not how I want to spend my weekend, nor a conversation I'd like to have with the building super."

"Will you relax? I'm not gonna hit ya."

Jay swallows hard. "What do you want then?"

"What I want is to know what your intentions are with my daughter."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Erin may not be my flesh and blood, but she's still my kid. It's never been about you being good police or me not liking you. If you plan on being with her then I need to know that you're serious about it and that you're gonna take care of her."

Jay sighs. "I would always take care of her, Voight, and I'll always have her back. And no offense here, but I don't think there's much I can do right now to prove that to you. No more than I've already tried to do anyway."

Hank nods his head at his detective and looks him in the eye. "Do you love her?"

Jay doesn't hesitate and his voice doesn't falter. "Yes."

The two men fall silent then. It's as if Hank is reconsidering his decision, but then he extends his arm, palm up, and his face remains stoic. "Then all I need is a handshake and your word."

Jay stares at him with doubtful eyes. Voight is standing in front of him, giving his blessing or permission or whatever this is, and Jay is sure he is dreaming. There is no way this can be happening right now.

Jay glances down at Hank's still open hand and then looks back up at him. "Are you for real right now?"

Hank doesn't blink. "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't, Jay."

Jay swallows, still unsure, but he raises his arm and locks hands with his sergeant. They share a tight-gripped shake and when they drop their hands Hank gives one solid nod to Jay. He stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets before he steps away and starts down the hallway.

When Hank hears Jay call out his name he turns back and locks eyes with his detective.

Jay gives a small, but grateful smile. "Thank you."

Hank nods once more before starting back down the hallway. Before he enters the elevator, Hank yells over his shoulder in a gruff voice. "Don't make me regret this, Halstead."

Jay smiles wider and calls back. "I won't."

* * *

Saturday comes, followed by the start of a new week and then it's Monday.

Erin Lindsay had shut out the world and spent her weekend doing anything to keep herself busy, but that only lasted for so long until she finally broke down late Saturday night.

Her phone had buzzed non-stop with phone calls and messages from Voight and Jay. Kim had called a few times, too. When Jay stopped by her apartment early Saturday morning, Erin had never been more grateful for the deadbolt and the chain on her door. She just didn't wanna be bothered and so she sent out one message to each of them. A short and simple, 'I'm busy. I'll see you on Monday.' She wasn't saying anything else, so they had no choice, but to leave her alone and give her the space she obviously wanted.

Erin ended up spending a majority of her Sunday in bed, not even caring that she wasted almost a whole day. She was dreading going into work. She wasn't sure how she would face Voight after their interaction that past Friday or how she would handle seeing Jay since they had ended things between them. It was making her anxious and she felt as though she might vomit. She had really made an awkward mess of her life.

As the work day passes that Monday, the others on the team can tell something is off. Ruzek, Dawson, and Atwater keep sharing looks of raised eyebrows and questioning glances, but neither of them had dared to utter a word about the thick tension in the air. Olinksy kept to himself as he usually did, although with how close he and Voight were it wouldn't have been much of a shock if he already knew the details of the situation.

By the end of the day Erin had been able to successfully avoid Jay like he was sick with the plague. She had kept things as professional as possible, but found herself high tailing it to the locker room for some room to breathe before the end of her shift. She just couldn't handle the eyes on her. Voight had been glancing her way all day, but hadn't said a word about anything unrelated to work. And Jay was just conspicuous as anything and wouldn't stop staring.

As she sped out of the bullpen Voight walked out of his office and shot a look at Jay. The others watched on in silence.

Hank raised an eyebrow at Jay as he watched Erin disappear down the hallway. "What happened?"

Jay shrugged at his sergeant. "She's been like that all day, boss."

"Have you talked to her?"

Jay sighed. "I tried. She'll barely even look at me, let alone talk to me."

"And how about what we discussed?"

Jay shook his head. "I haven't talked to her since Friday. I tried her over the weekend, but she never called me back."

Hank nods this time and looks up. The rest of the team's faces immediately shoot back down to their desks, but Voight doesn't say a word. He just heads back towards his office.

"Hey, Sarg?"

He turns around at Jay's voice. "Yeah?"

Jay points a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the locker room. "Can I…?"

Hank nods once. "Go. Everyone else, get outta here. Go home."

The younger guys don't have to be told twice with Voight's tone and they scurry out of the pen. Olinsky follows Hank into his office, while Jay stands from his desk and makes his way to the locker room.

The door to the room is closed and Jay knocks once to signal his entry before he pushes it open and walks in. He closes the door behind him and searches for Erin.

It only takes a moment to find her. She's sitting on one of the benches in the middle of the room with her hands on her knees and her head in her hands. She looks up and offers the tiniest of smiles. He's not stupid though. Jay can tell it's forced as he makes his way towards her.

She looks so sad, defeated and he offers a soft grin at her as he now stands in front of her. "Hey you."

She keeps the tiny smile on her face. "Hey. Sorry, I just needed some time to myself."

He reaches down and pulls her up from the bench so that they face one another. "Don't worry about it. What's going on with you?"

Erin shakes her head this time. "It's nothing. Just a long weekend. I didn't sleep well."

Jay nods in understanding because the same had gone for him. He had slept horribly and with Erin not speaking to him it had driven him crazy.

The tension is still in the air. It follows them like rain clouds and Erin releases a deep breath. Jay's eyes haven't left her face. He's watching her with his intent gaze, trying to get a read on her and it's making her more nervous than the first time he kissed her in his apartment. She should say something. Anything. It's just so awkward.

Another moment of silence passes between them and then she speaks again. "I heard Mouse is doing real well."

Jay nods. "Yeah, Voight seems to be pretty impressed by him."

"As he should be. I mean, the guy is kind of a genius."

He nods again. "That he is."

It's quiet again and it makes them both crazy.

Erin can't deal with it. She just wants to escape. Any excuse will do so she points to the door behind him. "I should probably get back before anyone gets too nosy."

She takes a step to move around him, but Jay blocks her path. She tries once more, but he does it again. She looks up at him with a curious gaze.

"What?"

"Voight sent everyone home for the day. He and Olinksy are the only ones left, besides us, and they're in Voight's office."

Erin swallows.

Just them.

The nerves are hitting her hard and her stomach is flipping. Her throat feels like sandpaper. Their eyes are locked on one another and then Jay is taking a step closer to her. She knows him well, and is sure she knows what is about to transpire, but she can't move. Nor does she really want to either.

Jay stays silent as he lifts a hand to her face. His thumb runs along her smooth cheek. It's only been three days since he last touched her, but it is three days too long and he needs to feel her skin. His thumb moves over her bottom lip and he watches her eyes close at the contact.

When she opens her eyes seconds later, Jay smiles. There's an enchanted look on his face and a blue spark in his eyes as he leans in. Erin can feel his breath against her face and then he moves to kiss her lips, but she raises her hands to his chest and pushes him away at the last second.

"Don't."

His eyebrow rises. "Erin –"

She shakes her head. Her voice is almost inaudible. "We can't, Jay."

Jay smiles a dorky smile at her. "We can."

He leans down once more, but she catches him and stops him again with a harder press to the front of his torso.

"Stop it."

Jay sighs. "I wanna kiss you. I wanna be with you. I wanna love you. Just let me."

Erin is shaking her head again. "I need to go."

She tries to side-step him again, but Jay is quick to grab her hand and he tugs her back towards him. "I need to know something first."

Erin swallows hard and stands still. "What's that?"

He holds tight to her fingers and moves his free hand back to her face. He's got a tender grasp over her chin and his eyes are locked with hers. "Tell me how you feel about me, and how you really feel. Don't laugh it off or try to change the subject or run away. Just tell me."

Erin swallows hard and looks down to the floor. Her heart is beating hard and heavy in her chest. Her breaths are shallow, quick and her lips are dry. She hadn't been anticipating him to ask that type of question, not in the least. She feels a pressure on her fingers. It's his hand still clutching hers.

"Erin?"

She doesn't say a word.

"Erin, look at me."

She indulges his request, but then he almost wished she hadn't. Her eyes are glistening with tears and Erin knows if she blinks they'll waterfall down her face. She shakes her head, holding back as hard as she can to not start crying in front of him. She never wants to cry in front of him.

Her voice is near a whisper when she finally speaks. "It doesn't matter how I feel."

Jay squeezes her hand again and doesn't drop her gaze. "Why?"

"Because we can't be together, Jay. As much as we want to be and as much as we want it to work out we both know it's just not possible. It's not gonna happen for us, and we have to accept that."

"But what if we could-"

She's shaking her head again. "But we can't. You're my partner, Jay, and my best friend. If I can keep you in those ways, then that's good enough for me. It's something at least."

Jay shakes his head now. "It's not enough for me. I've had you, Erin. I've kissed you. I've fallen asleep beside you. I've woken up to your face in the morning. I've held you. I can't go back to living a life that doesn't have us in it together. In every way. I can't do it. I won't."

Erin knows where this is going and lets out a defeated sigh. Of course it would come to this. Voight had been right all along and now she was going to lose her best friend. She really did leave a trail of broken hearts behind.

Erin can't fight it anymore and she blinks. The tears come in a quick flow down her cheeks and then she pulls her hand out of Jay's grasp.

"How should we do this then? Do we switch partners? Do I leave? Do you? How do you wanna do this?"

Jay drops her hand and brings it up to hold the other side of her face. "I don't like seeing you cry, Erin Lindsay."

She smiles, but it's cracked. "Stop avoiding the inevitable."

He smirks at her then. "I could say the same to you. If you would have just answered your door or your phone over the weekend instead of sending me that half-assed 'I'm busy' text message, then you would know that we can do this. Neither of us has to leave, and we definitely aren't switching partners because I'm pretty sure I don't trust another person with my life as much as I trust you, except maybe Mouse because he did save my life once before."

Erin's eyebrows are crinkled and her head is hazy. "What are you talking about, Jay?"

He's smiling now. "I'm talking about us. I talked to Voight, Erin."

She is sure her heart just stopped beating. "What?"

"Actually, he talked to me."

The tears are still there and they're glistening in her eyes. She needs answers. "When?"

"Friday night. Well, technically Saturday morning."

Her eyes are questioning and she doesn't know what to say so he continues. "He showed up at my apartment. I thought he was gonna throw a few punches, but he was all cryptic and asked me what my intentions were with his daughter."

Erin shakes her head in disbelief. "He didn't."

"You know I could never lie to you, Erin. You know me too well."

Jay takes a few minutes to relay his conversation he had with Hank Voight over the weekend back to Erin. By the time he finishes she is crying harder.

"He really said all of that to you?"

Jay's hands have not let go of Erin's face and he's shaking his head at her as mere inches separate them. "I'm not answering anymore of your questions until you answer mine."

She raises an eyebrow.

He smiles again. "How do you feel about me?"

Her breath catches in her throat, but she's smiling now. Smiling wide with dimples out. Her grin turns to a teasing smirk. "You're really gonna make me say it first?"

Jay nods and drops his hands to her hips. He pulls her against him, arms around her waist, and holds her tight.

Erin lifts her arms – one over his shoulder, hand gripping the back of his neck while her other hand wraps around his bicep. Her eyes are on his, shades of blue and green reflecting off of one another.

She's biting her lip and he's waiting with patient excitement. When she speaks it's above a whisper, but he hears her words just fine because it's still just them standing there in the locker room.

"I love you."

Jay's smile widens and then his lips are on hers and she doesn't push him away this time. She kisses him back with the same tenacity. Aggressive tongues, guttural moans, and tugging hands.

Erin pulls back first, breathing heavy, and her hands now resting against his shirt covered chest. She can feel his heart pounding relentless beats against her palm and she smiles at the feeling. She lifts her eyes to his and then he's kissing her forehead.

"I kinda love you, too, by the way."

Erin's not sure how it's possible, but somehow her dimples deepen and her grin grows and she is certain she has never felt happier than she does right then.

"Well, thank god for that. It'd be horrible if this was some weird one-sided relationship."

He laughs and squeezes her hips. "Definitely not one-sided."

She nods, running her hands down his chest and landing on his sides. She's smirking at him again. "I'm still not moving to Northern Wisconsin."

Jay groans. "I'm gonna get you up there eventually."

An actual giggle slips from Erin's lips and Jay is certain it's the most wonderful sound he has ever heard.

She leans up and pecks his lips – once, then twice. "Maybe one day."

He grins. "Oh, definitely."


End file.
